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Have you ever felt like you weren’t completely the center of your own life? As if you were in the passenger’s seat observing what went on passively- enslaved to the dominant driver and main character known as ‘your mind’?
I know exactly what it feels like to be in a constant state of self-doubt– as if you actually don’t even know who you are anymore and just keep up at everything thanks to the sheer momentum of every day duties. It’s as if you live your life by obligations and have forgotten what it means to live by joy… heck you don’t even know what joy is for you anymore- you have even lost the ability to feel enthusiastic about things.
You are not alone
I know what this feels like. I felt like this for a significant part of my life (10 years +). I was not deserving of myself, I was always wrong, and I especially didn’t have the capacity to make decisions on my own- or this is what I was convinced of. I needed validation from others that I was doing the right thing, and I felt responsible for everything- even things that weren’t directly related to me. My sense of responsibility became center.
Now let’s step back a second and briefly analyze what I just said here. I wasn’t deserving of myself…WTF? What does that even mean? That statement makes it sound like there are two mes, like two versions of myself- one that is trying to live up to the standards of the other- and that is a huge red flag. Not because it means I am schizophrenic but because it signals that there is an element of constant self-judgment going on.
How does this exactly happen? It happens when you and your mind become ‘separate entities’ and your mind instead of being a part of you and helping you to be the best that you can be, becomes an enemy that sits there and constantly criticizes you— stripping away day after day at all your confidence, certainties, and enthusiasm; leaving you left with guilt, judgment, insecurity, fear, and a profound sense of inferiority. How can you possibly be a protagonist if you have all the elements of a spiteful secondary character?
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How to Change
After many years, I realized that the horrible thoughts I had of myself were really unfounded. I realized this, but I still couldn’t find myself to actually believe it. With lots of patience, many failed attempts, and frequent therapy sessions, one day everything just clicked. My true self finally emerged, and I was finally the main character. I was finally me, comfortable in my own skin and proud of it.
How did I manage this? I am still not quite sure exactly what process my thoughts underwent, the mind is rather complex. However these are the following 7 concepts that helped me get a grip and embrace the fierce main character that I truly am (as corny as that sounds!)
1. Observe your Thoughts
As I already mentioned, when you lose your place as protagonist you are leaving space for something else to fill that role. That someone else is your mind. The mind is a beautiful thing- it can add such depth and passion to life. However, if not properly trained t can become a weapon- a bullying tyrant that wishes to suppress everything that you are and that you wish to be become. Don’t let that happen!
How can we manage to maintain control?
The first step is to observe your thoughts. Just observe them- you don’t have to dissect them or analyze them, just identify them. We have so many thoughts during the day, most of which we don’t actually consciously realize we are having. The moment we consciously pinpoint our thoughts we are identifying when our mind is taking over control. You are in a sense noticing when the mind comes into action and recognizing the types of thoughts it is making. By just being aware of this you are in a sense taking back command of where your thoughts are heading, and are automatically catapulted back into the present- into reality.
The Importance of Being Present
Being present is extremely important; because it helps you gage what is truly important and what is just useless noise. The present is the only moment we are actually living; it is the only moment that we can actually take action. It is not the regret of yesterday or the fear for tomorrow, but it is the present that counts. This concept really hit home after I read the Power of Now.
“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be” (p.49)
I kept rereading and rereading this phrase- it was my way of experiencing time that was making me suffer- spending countless hours in moments that didn’t actually exist.
Your mind tries to keep you in the past or in the present. You need to be stronger. You need to acknowledge when it tries to creep in and take away your ‘present-ness’ and by doing just that, you are again present.
This exercise is not simple, however it is definitely doable. You will find just how many thoughts sneak into your head- way too many to count! With time I promise that this exercise will become more natural and that with every new thought you will be more able to just brush it off and continue your day. For some practical tips on learning to be present check out my post on All You Boo- how to live in the moment and enjoy the present.
2. Don’t Judge Yourself
Your thoughts (when you are caught up in a cycle of non-protagonism), are usually faulty and not at all a reflection of who you are and what you want. Your thoughts tend to mirror insecurities and circle about in endless negativity that lead to nowhere, if not more negativity. You will start to identify with your thoughts and believe that you really are weak, incapable or so forth.
You are not your thoughts!
Remember that these thoughts are here not because they are truly founded on a grounded principle; instead they are here to continue to weaken you so that your mind can maintain control. Remind yourself that you are not your mind, so that when you observe those thoughts you can also interrupt them.
3. Stop Feeling Responsible
I remember the overburdening feeling of feeling responsible for everything 24/7. I felt like I had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and that if I didn’t I was a failure. I viewed my life through obligations and not pleasures. The thought was always “well I HAVE to do it.” Then one day someone told me, “you are not a saint- you don’t have to do anything.” I don’t know why that resonated so well with me, but it did.
I would always say yes to things I truly didn’t want to say yes to because I felt guilty or responsible. I would visit that acquaintance who I really found boring, I would try to help everyone even when I had no time for myself… I would always ask myself, “is it my fault?”
Oh my gooooooodddd, how oppressive and plain stressful! Just writing it I want to slap myself haha. What about what I WANT to do as opposed to what I HAVE to do? Not sure what you really want? No problem- just try listening to your emotions. When you are doing that particular thing do you feel resentful or at peace? Learn to ask yourself how you feel and learn to listen to your emotions. Your emotions are the guides that tell you what you actually think or feel about something.
What to Expect from Yourself
You are not responsible for the happiness or success of others. As you are not responsible for helping others, for making people feel good about themselves, or for being the best of the best. Remember you are not a saint, no one expects that from you except you! Breathe, learn to say no, and realize that your involvement is almost never a life or death matter.
You sit there thinking that people are just waiting around for you- chances are they aren’t! YOU are the one that places that responsibility on yourself. Try to lighten up the load and gain back your role as the main character. Start thinking, “do I really want to do this?” Most likely you don’t. And if you start feeling guilty ask yourself, “Am I really responsible, will this truly make a difference in the life of this other person?” Be real, chances are it won’t.
4. Learn to Let Go
When you are not the main character, certain thoughts take control of your mind that cycle over and over again. Many “what ifs” and “I should or shouldn’t haves.” These are all thoughts that dwell in the past or in the future. What if I had done this? Well who cares?! Time has passed- you can’t change it so move on. Dwelling on the thought isn’t going to change it- it is only going to take away from your present moment.
How about what you should do or how you should be? These are all speculative questions that focus on the future. Try to come back to the present and just BE. Whatever is or shouldn’t be will just be and unfold on its own- let go of trying to control everything. You physically can’t control everything and honestly what are you even trying to control? Your own image/identity? Just let yourself be. Your true un-repressed self will emerge, and you will see that making decisions or tackling every day struggles will just come natural after that.
An interesting read on how to stop trying to control things and figuring out what to prioritize and what to let go is Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k. Very direct and blunt this book definitely should be on your nightstand!
5. Ask Yourself if Your Fears are Real
When you are not the main character of your own life, self-doubt and insecurities slowly gnaw away at your identity. When you tell yourself that you are not good enough, not smart enough, and turn to someone for guidance or validation, ask yourself if you really need this guidance. Are you sure that you really need it, or is it just insecurity and the fear of not being enough? Make sure your fears are founded on some legitimate example or concept- if they are not, it is just extra noise that is draining your positive energy and convincing you otherwise. Tune out these fears- with time and practice you will realize they are actually nonsense in the first place.
6. Realize You Control Your Destiny
At the end of the day YOU control your destiny. Not your mind, not your best friend, not your boss, not your fears, not your worries- you! As soon as you realize this you will recognize the power that you really have in guiding where your life heads and what person you really become. Every choice that matters is one that stems from you.
In my case, once I recognized that I could choose which doors to open and which to close I felt a profound sense of empowerment– like anything I wanted was at the touch of my fingertips. But most importantly I felt a sense of stability. That only me and my own two feet could tell me what to do and how to do it. I realized that if I just waited there waiting for my anxiety and dread to go away I would never accomplish anything. I needed to be active and if I really wanted to change I just needed to commit to the idea that I was enough and that I held the reigns to my own life- I was my own protagonist. For more on attracting the life you want, head to my post 6 steps to the life you want.
7. You Have Nothing to Lose
As you can see, a common reoccurring theme here is fear. Fear is what takes away your ability to feel like the main character and hinders your capability to feel centered. Whenever you are deep in thought about something ask yourself, “is this really worth it?” Should this thought take all this energy and time- is it really important? And when you need to make a decision, or would like to drown a thought because you realize its uselessness but are scared to take action, ask yourself, “Do I have something to lose?” The answer will most likely be no.
So just pick yourself up and get that ‘why not?’ attitude going…if you can’t find a reason then just do it! I guarantee that the more things you start doing (as opposed to fearfully observing), the more and more confidence you will gain that you’ve got this! Slowly but surely you will find yourself back in the driver’s seat.
So those are my 7 points ladies! I am not a therapist so this post is not meant to give you medical guidelines. However, coming from someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety quite a bit, these were the major concepts that helped me come out of my shell and embrace the real energy that I had been for so long suppressing. To this day I try to live with enthusiasm for everything and truly live by the principle that you can have whatever you want if you just believe in it and work at it. This is only possible when you truly are the main character in your own life.
I hope to have comforted or at least inspired some of you… If you want to share your story or have any feedback please share below!
Happy Self Care!
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This blog post is intended for general informational and educational purposes only. Please read my full disclosure for further information.
Anonymous says
Thank you 🙂
Chloe says
I loved this article, thanks so sharing these amazing tips!
Linda Faison says
Hi Chloe! I am so happy you found this helpful- literally why I post these types of blogs, in the hopes to help even just one person! 🙂